I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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