did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
