She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Blood and glitter go together right?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
