So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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