Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
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