I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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