I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
