i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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