Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
