I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
