For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
