I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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