i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
