Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
People in love make me want to vomit
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
