Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Randomize
