I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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