bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
