You can't special order awesome
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
