I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
