My room smells like vodka and shame
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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