You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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