i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
