Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
