i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
