I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
