I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
