if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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