dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
