Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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