What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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