i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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