Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did I end up in the pool?!
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Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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