My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
