if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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