the condom got lost in my hair
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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