Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
