i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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