Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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