I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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