I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Randomize
