1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"