I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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