Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
