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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
