Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
