update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
