I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
