We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
