In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
