why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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