SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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