So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
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I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
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I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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