hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
