We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
