he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
