she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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