Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We have so much sex to catch up on
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
