Can i not drive my cunt home
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
